How many times have I told you that I love you. How many times! You lied to me. You said you loved me. Do those words not mean anything to you? [Thump Thump] All those times that we talked late into the nights about our futures together, all those times we made love like we would never leave each other, every time I’d look at you when you were sleeping; dreaming about being with you till the end of time, all those times we went walking together holding hands..[Thump Thump] We had such a beautiful thing going on Julia. I really love you Julia, I really do. [Thump Thump]
I see her with him. Has she forgotten me? Are they sleeping together? Oh. She’s laughing. She’s laughing more with him than she did with me. I hate the stupid sod. I want to just slap that petty fucking smile off his face. The bastard must be fantasizing about her at night. Maybe I should go and ruin it for them, you know, say something like “Hi baby (kiss her) who’s this?” hahahahahah…
I first met her at the fair. I don’t know how but there was just something about her. Amidst those thousands of sickly sweet happy clown-like faces, just her face caught my attention. There’s nothing extraordinary about her. She was sitting there, glum and sullen, absent-mindedly pulling at her candy floss. At first glance, I saw a young girl, perhaps 20-21, thin, average height, short hair (like she’s cut it on her own), doped eyes, bags under her eyes, a bluish mark on her upper cheek (like a shiner fading away just to leave its memory behind). I go up to her but at the last minute I chicken out. So I sit down next to her.
“You got a smoke?” She’s talking to me. I’m shuffling around through my pockets, desperately searching for a smoke (where are those thin fucks when you need them the most???). “Nah it’s cool if you don’t have any on you, I’m off will buy myself a couple” All the while I haven’t said a word. She gets up. I look at her. She turns. “My name’s Julia” I smile. She smiles (a faint wisp of a smile) and then she’s gone.
She’s holding his hand. I’m gonna kill that fat fuck if it’s the last thing I do. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck now I’m getting all moody and shit. I mean if she doesn’t want to be with me how can I force her to? Right? That would just be like emotional rape or some shit like that? Right? But fuck I can’t see her with him. I want to beat his ugly smiling face into pulp. Hmmm.
She’s lying down beside me. I touch her thin body. She’s always been too thin. But I love her body. Every time I look at her, I just want to make love to her. She’s the most beautiful when she’s sitting next to me, naked, looking out the window with a cigarette in her hand, smoking, dreaming. “I love you Johnny, I can never love anyone else. I don’t know if you’ll ever believe me but I really really love you” And I loved her too. I still do. But I loved her so so so much. It hurts to think of it. Love can kill. Love can pain you even when you are the happiest. Bittersweet love. Fucking betraying love.
I was the happiest with her. Even in my sadness, I was the happiest with her. I never had anyone in my life. Only her. Julia. She once told me that I’m getting obsessed with her. But it was never obsession. It was never something as cheap as that. I’d dream about her, I’d wait to see her at the end of the day. I’d work harder for her, I’d buy her gifts just to see her smile, and I’d do anything for her.
She’s lying down beside me playing with my hair. “Johnny, how long do you think this will last? I want it to last forever Johnny. I’d do anything to be with you. Promise me you won’t ever leave me and go”
I don’t know what happened. Everything went blank and now I’m shaking. Where am I? Holy shit it’s the basement. What have I done? Jesus fucking Christ what have I done?
Hmmm. I killed the stupid bastard and I’m cool with that. But fuck why did I have to kill her too. Stupid me. Not going to happen again. Have to start taking my happy pills. This has happened too many times before. Lock the doors, draw the curtains – its time to bury flesh under the floorboards. Hahahaha. Fuck Johnny, you’re gonna have to skip town again you stupid bitch. Shhh stop talking to yourself. Fucking voices in my head.
[Thump Thump Thump]. Digging stops.